I've struggled most of my life with self-image and finding validation through my peers (especially boys) and their acceptance of me. Everyday you see commercials on T.V. and covers of magazines that flaunt this new image of beauty: being skinny and flawless. In today's society that is what every young girl looks at and tries to strive for, not knowing that only airbrushed models will ever achieve that perfect look. I myself have never been thin and if you were to ask me two or three years ago if I thought I was pretty, I would have said absolutely not. I tried to compensate for that with layers and layers of make-up and pretty clothes that I hoped would draw the attention of the opposite sex. Even though I did everything I could to make myself attractive to other people, I hated myself. Every time I looked in the mirror I'd scrutinize every inch of my body and then look away in complete disgust. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I wasn't popular enough, I wasn't good enough. These thoughts were constantly running through my head and it came to the point where I didn't even feel like myself anymore.
Because this is such a huge issue in today's society I want start a series of posts regarding the problem. I don't have solid answers that could solve this epidemic of self-hate and insecurity, but I do know what has worked for me, and that's not to say that I don't have those struggles anymore, but I do cope with it better. I think it would be best if I start this series telling you about my lowest point regarding self-worth and acceptance.
Middle school was rough to say the least. I struggled with finding solid friendships and after some lovely rumors spread about me, I was left alone with no friends at all. That was probably the worst part, I had grown accustomed to finding my strength and happiness through the people around me. I had always been insecure, but after this happened I was worse than ever. I couldn't figure out why this had happened to me. What was wrong with me? Why didn't these people like me? I was left thinking that I wasn't good enough and that I wouldn't ever be good enough. That's a horrible feeling to be stuck with, you know? I fell into a deep depression and it became an all consuming darkness that I couldn't seem to shake. (At this time I was far from my Saviour and I searched for comfort and love in places, except in His merciful arms)
Then, a guy in my class befriended me. He had heard the rumors and lies, but he still accepted me. I ended up developing a massive crush on him, whether it was real or based on the fact that he was my only true friend, I don't know, but as time went on he expressed the same feelings towards me. It was like magic, all of a sudden it was like I was finally good enough. I was no longer some dork with no friends, I was worth something through him. More time passed and we entered high school. We had many discussions on whether or not we should date and I was all for it, but he always seemed hesitant and put off by the thought of us entering a relationship. Those thoughts of not being good enough worked their way back into my mind and they were confirmed when this happened:
"I've really Sam," he said this to a mutual friend and butterflies filled my stomach,
"But I'm embarrassed by her and I really don't want people to make fun of me for dating a girl like her."
By then the butterflies in my stomach had been annihilated by the tornado that ripped its way through my gut. Every insecurity and flaw that had ever plagued my mind came rushing back to me, seemingly destroying any trace of confidence and self-worth that I had built up. This voice in my head kept shouting at me, "You're ugly, fat, disgusting and unworthy. What were you thinking? Did you really think you were good enough?"
This is probably a good place to stop because the next part of this story is my favorite part and I've rambled enough for this post:) The next part to this series will be about what pulled me out of that dark pit I was in. Feedback is much appreciated!
Here is the link to Kristyn's wonderful new blog- A Misguided Way With Words
Here is the link to Kristyn's wonderful new blog- A Misguided Way With Words
